


The Office (Asgard edition)

by Yavannie



Category: The Office (UK), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Fluff, Fragmental, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Prompt Fill, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 15:25:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3072920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yavannie/pseuds/Yavannie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pastatheory left the following prompt: <em>Tasertricks yearning coworkers. Idk. I watched the office a bit ago and that’s all I have lol.</em><br/>Complete and utter crack crossover between Thor and The Office (UK).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Office (Asgard edition)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PastaTheory](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastaTheory/gifts).



> Because I’ve only watched the British _The Office_ , I’ve modeled the Thor characters on the ones I know from that. I know that these characters have rough equivalents in the US version as well, so here’s a little role list of the main players:
> 
> Darcy Lewis as Dawn Tinsley (Pam)  
> Loki as Tim Canterbury (Jim)  
> Thor as Gareth Keenan (Dwight)  
> Odin as David Brent (Michael)  
> and in the offscreen role as Darcy’s boyfriend, Steve Rogers
> 
> Note: Large parts of the following dialogue is taken directly from _The Office_. I don’t usually bother with disclaimers, but really, I do not claim to own any of this.

* * *

 

 

Loki: Darcy? Darcy Lewis? Easy on the eyes. And…

Interviewer: And?

Loki: …She may be my new partner. In crime, that is.

 

* * *

 

Darcy: Loki? Yeah, he’s all right. He’s like the only sane person around here. Funny. We’ve got the same sense of humor. 

Interviewer: What kind of humor?

Darcy: Making fun of Thor. Mainly.

 

* * *

 

 

_[Thor is aggressively polishing his helmet while Loki and Darcy are giggling in the background]_

Thor: I will not turn around. I know they are jesting and I do not care.

_[Loki laughs loudly]_

_[Thor rubs the helmet vigorously, ears reddening]_

 

* * *

 

Thor: Loki has put Mjölnir in Jell-O again.

Odin: A what?

Thor: It is a Midgardian dessert, father.

_[Thor shows him a block of Jell-O, encapsulating Mjölnir]_

Odin: Why has he done this?

Thor: I do not approve of Jell-o. I dislike the way it moves.

Odin: You showed him a weakness and has used it against him. Now you must face the consequences… By the Bifrost, what is in there?

Thor: It is Mjölnir, father.

Odin: Guards! Fetch Volstagg! His skills are required, urgently!

 

* * *

 

Odin: What is my greatest strength? Is it my prowess with the spear? Is it my tactical skill on the battlefield? The riches I have won in the many wars I have fought? Nay, it is my hand with my children. My proudest moment was not when the Great Hall was gilded by the dwarves, not when Niefelheim fell, not when I skewered Ebbe at the Battle of Lena. No, it was when I took Loki to foster and raise him as my own. He was the son of my enemy, left to die on a rock, yet I gave him a home. I was a loving father. I taught him how to rule, how to act like a prince, even a king. I furnished him with weapons and gave him the freedom of Asgard. He killed his father in the end, and then usurped the throne. He is a disgrace to the family. A complete failure.

 

* * *

 

Loki: May I borrow Mjölnir for a few minutes?

Thor: You may not.

Loki: Why not?

Thor: You know very well why not.

Loki: I’ll tell father you’re not sharing.

_[Thor stands, towering over Loki]_

Thor: And I’ll tell father your head accidentally smashed itself against the wall. 

_[Loki snatches Mjölnir up and holds it out the window]_

Loki: Stay where you are. I’m going to let it go unless you stop acting like a fool.

Thor: You will not.

Loki: Well, I just have.

_[Loki drops Mjölnir out the window]_

Thor: What if it kills someone!

Loki: Well, they’ll think you’re the murderer. It has your name on it.

Thor: Why would a murderer put his name on a weapon?

Loki: To stop people from borrowing it?

Thor: _Father!_

Loki: I hate the fact that you bring me down to this. Really, I do. I resent it.

 

* * *

 

Loki: Thor?

Thor: Yes?

Loki: Darcy and I were wondering if a man… A warrior such as yourself could give a man a lethal blow?

Thor: If forced, aye. It always pains my to fell a man, but I could do it easily.

_[Muffled giggling from Darcy]_

Loki: What if he was… Strong? And… Coming very hard?

Thor: If my life was at stake, yes.

Darcy: And would you rather do it face to face with the guy, or could you take him from behind?

Thor: It would make no difference. Either way, he would be at my mercy.

_[Loki ducks under the table]_

Darcy: So you could take a man from behind?

Thor: Naturally.

Darcy: Awesome.

 

* * *

 

Odin: Trust. Encouragement. Reward. Loyalty. Satisfaction. That is what I am. Trust men and they will be true to you. Treat them greatly, and they will show themselves to be great.

 

* * *

 

Loki: No, I don’t discuss my love life for a very good reason, and that reason is I don’t have one. This is very good news for females from all nine realms - I am still available. I’m quite the catch. I live in Asgard, in a lovely house, with my parents. I have my own room, which I’ve had since… Yes, since I was born. I was schooled in magic for some time before I dropped my studies to attempt to take over Midgard. But that failed and then I faked my own death. So I’m a quitter extraordinaire. Form an orderly queue, ladies.

 

* * *

 

Thor: If you think yourself so clever, read my mind right now.

Loki: You’re thinking “how could I kill a dragon armed only with a quill?”

Thor: No.

Loki: You’re thinking “if I’m stranded on Jotunheim, can I survive by eating my own boots?”

Thor: No, and no, you cannot.

Loki: What are you thinking Thor?

Thor: I was thinking “will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?”

 

* * *

 

Darcy: Steve’s great. He’s nice, and strong, and loyal and… Nice.

Loki: _[mouths behind Darcy’s back]_ Boring.

Darcy: A real relationship isn’t like a fairy tale.

Loki: _[muttering]_ I’m a mythological half-god, so…

Darcy: If you think that for the next forty years, every time you see each other you’re going to glow, or, every time you hold hands there’s going to be electricity, then you’re kidding yourself, really.

Loki. I can glow. 

Darcy: What about reliability. Someone paying the mortgage, someone who’s never been out of work…

Loki: Princing is a full time occupation.

Darcy: …Those are the more important, practical things, you know. In reality.

Loki: _[mouths]_ Boring!

 

* * *

 

Thor: Well, I am glad we had this talk. I do not want you to think of me as your superior.

Sif: Well, you're not.

Thor: Well, I am higher up, so I am. What I am saying is, do not think of me as a superior, but know that I am.

Sif: I don’t think you are.

Thor: Well, I am prince, so I am. I am higher up than you.

 

* * *

 

Fandral: Thor, quick trust exercise. Ultimate fantasy?

Thor: Hmm?

Sif: We’re talking about our ultimate fantasies. We’re all doing it.

Thor: Jane and Darcy, probably. I will just be watching.

Fandral: Ah. Er. Right. Loki? Do you have one?

Loki: I never thought I’d say this, but can I hear more from Thor please?

 

* * *

 

Darcy: At the end of the day, it’s for the best. And Steve’s the main breadwinner, so…

_[She glances at Loki, who’s sitting at a table, reading]_

Darcy: I’ll miss it, sure. I made some good friends.

Interviewer: Just friends?

Darcy: What? _[glances around]_ I’m engaged now, so. Yeah. It’s for the best. At the end of the day.

 

* * *

 

Loki: Your family are people you were just thrown together with. It wasn’t your choice. And yet you spend more time with them than anyone else. But probably, all you have in common is the fact that you walk around in the same castle day in and day out. And so, obviously, when someone comes in who you have a connection with… Darcy was a breath of fresh air. If I said I wasn’t sad to see her go I would be lying. But I never really thought it would have a happy ending. What is a happy ending anyway? Life is not about endings. It’s a series of moments. My life is not over. Come back here in ten years and see how I’ve fared. I might be married with children. I might be king of Asgard. You never know. Life just goes on.

 

* * *

 

Frigga: He has taken it badly. Very much so.

_[She glances over at Loki who is lying on his back in the garden]_

Frigga: He liked her from the moment she stepped off the Bifrost.

_[She smiles knowingly]_

Frigga: She will be back.


End file.
